Henry Upt-Ight to tell the world, “I’m actually pretty easy-going.”

Henry Upt-Ight, a local bed and breakfast owner, claims to have been cursed with a name that’s, “really boxing me in!” — as he puts it.

Upt-Ight wants the world to know how easy-going of a “dude” he can be.

I meet Henry at the Upt-Ight Arms Bed and Breakfast. He’s lining silverware on a table measuring the distance from fork to fork with a small ruler.

Upt-Ight asks, “Isn’t there another time we can do this interview? Mornings are when I prepare the tables!”

Realizing a fork is out of line, he quickly gets to work.

“I’m sorry, I’m being totally rude. It’s a weird time for me. My online reviews are terrible and so my business is super slow. They all say I’m anxious or high strung, but honestly, I’m a chill guy!”

Upt-Ight begs me not to touch the silverware, saying it’s been placed for dinner. Then, after a long sigh, he invites me to sit.

“I wasn’t always this way. You see, I was born Henry Upt. As my mother would say, there was nowhere to go but Upt. But then I met the beautiful Carol Ight. We decided to hyphenate the names.”

A guest enters the breakfast room and Upt-Ight anxiously shoos me from the table. We walk outside to a pond just behind the Bed and Breakfast. Upt-Ight spots a duck in the pond and becomes vividly upset. He yells for the duck to leave the pond.

“This is not a duck pond,” Upt-Ight explains.

He tells me he has a plan to fix his bad reviews.

“It’s simple, I’m going to invite all those guests who left bad reviews to a party and everyone can see how easy-going of a person I am! I’ll have everything just perfect! Guests will arrive at exactly eight o’clock. Those who arrive late will be escorted back to their cars. I’ll laminate the schedule so nothing can be modified, I’ll assign seats at the dinner table, I’ll…”

Upt-Ight sports a look of realization. Realization that his dinner party will only further this idea of him being an uptight man.

“I have to go. I have to…clean the stoves…again.”

Henry Upt-Ight walks back inside, stopping once more to yell at the duck.