How We Welcomed the Rain
What happened in 2029, when we finally accepted the nonstop downpour
At first, everything seemed…OK. A break from extreme heat and catastrophic weather patterns. In exchange? Nonstop rain. Here’s how our world reacted:
The umbrella market saw incredible disruption when motivated tech companies all fought to be the ‘Uber of staying dry.’
Ponchos didn’t get the love they deserved in the valley. One company, Po-cho.co, did gain some headway. They had a mission statement that read: We exist so you stay dry. On the Teams page, each employee’s bio included a Jack practically grew up in a poncho, or, Molly’s transitions from umbrellas to ponchos just made sense.
For the failed poncho startups, it was the classic story of great use of tech, flawed in the sense that ponchos look absolutely insane.
In garages around the world, amateur builders and engineers worked tirelessly creating umbrella breakthroughs. A new industry emerged: Rain Tech.
When Elon Musk got involved, out came the Magic Carpet. Using drone and water wicking tech, the MC silently floated above a person with incredible precision. Until people started modifying their MCs, nobody ever reported a drop of rain.
When innovation started to mellow, and the rain just kept coming, media outlets found their footing.
Anderson Cooper ran a segment called The State of Rain. For dramatic effect, he always filmed in the rain without an umbrella or MC.
Saturday Night Live ran a recurring sketch about Andy, a man who lost his mind in the rain. He would regularly show up on Weekend Update trying to pitch his latest umbrella idea to the viewing public.
Netflix won an Emmy for Best TV Show for Spain, Rainless. In it, a band of friends travel to a small city known as the place with no rain, where they discover the real reason behind the endless days of deluge.
But of course, everyone knew the reason for the rain: A collectively failed attempt at controlling the weather. People tried distancing themselves from the experiment, but it wasn’t even necessary. For once, most everyone felt the blame. Across the world, everyone was in support. It was too hot for too long and it was going to get hotter.
Some even argue the experiment was a success. That cold rain, overcast, empty lakes, and dramatically lowered ocean levels is a fair trade-off to extreme heat.
Concepts from the best-selling novel, Lakes in the Sky: Our Need to Control Things and Where We are Now, by Malcolm Gladwell, became fodder for business leaders, professors, and progressive politicians. Its optimistic view and focus on the collective efforts of the experiment made readers feel a sense of pride in their involvement.
Perhaps the best thing to come from all of this was the broken umbrella meme. The boy with the broken umbrella is what some argue truly allowed the human race to speak plainly on the issue. The most popular text to go across the image read:
I honestly just hate the fucking rain.
